Self-Care for Moms: How I Fill My Cup When My Its Already Empty

Real Self-Care for Moms on Solo Parenting Days (No Spa Day Required)

The Day I Realized My Bucket Had Been Empty for Months

This post may contain affiliate links that I may receive a commission from if you click & buy. The information on this
site is NOT intended to be health or medical advice. See my full policy for more information.

I vividly remember it was a Tuesday morning. My husband was on shift, day two of three, and by 9am I had already been a mom, a house cleaner, a chef, a therapist, and an entertainer. My youngest had taken me from zero to completely unhinged in under four minutes. My oldest was doing his absolute best to tolerate his brother’s antics and somehow that made me feel worse.

Meanwhile, Bella, our senior dog at the time, decided it was the perfect time to throw up all over our living room. I was trying to breathe through it all, but it broke me.

I stood in my kitchen, coffee going cold for the third time that morning, and I realized something: I had not done a single thing for myself in I could not remember how long. Not because I forgot. Not because I did not want to. But because when you are the one holding everything together, the world genuinely does not pause to let you catch your breath.

I felt guilty for being upset at our senior dog who was battling cancer, I knew it wasn’t her fault. I felt guilty about being annoyed by my son, he is so little and still learning, it also wasn’t his fault. And it was nobody’s direct fault my cup had been empty for way too long.

If you are a mom, especially a firefighter wife, a single mom, a military spouse, or anyone who regularly parents alone for long stretches of time you already know this feeling. The empty bucket. The running on fumes.

The quiet desperation of needing just twenty minutes to yourself and not being able to find them anywhere. Shoot, even 10 minutes would feel like a win in those moments.

This post is for you. Not the bubble-bath-and-face-mask version of self care. The real version. The kind that actually fits into a life that does not stop moving.

Real Talk Note: I used to work 12+ hour ICU shifts as a veterinary technician. I ran codes. I placed IVs in animals smaller than my hand. I left that career to become a stay-at-home mom, and somehow, this job feels so much harder to recover from. If you’ve ever felt like you disappeared a little when you became a mom, keep reading. You are not alone.

Why Self-Care Feels Impossible for Moms (And Why That’s Not Your Fault)

Here is the thing nobody tells you about mom self care: it is not a willpower problem. It is a structural problem. You are not failing at filling your cup because you are lazy or ungrateful or don’t want to.

You are failing because the system you are operating in was not designed with your needs in mind.

When my husband is on a 48-hour shift, I am not just a mom. I am the only adult in this house. Every decision, every meltdown, every meal, every lost shoe, every middle-of-the-night wake-up, it all lands on me.

And when he comes home, I can’t help but feel like I need time to decompress before I can even think about what I actually need. Sound familiar?

The guilt around needing time for yourself is real. But here is what I want you to hear: taking care of yourself is not selfish. Write it on a note and stick it on a mirror if you have to, but seriously, it is the only way you can keep showing up for the people who need you.

An empty bucket has nothing to pour from.

Pin

What Real Self-Care for Moms Actually Looks Like

Let’s get rid of the idea that self-care for moms means a spa day or a solo vacation. For most of us, that is not realistic and honestly, the pressure to make self care look a certain way is just another thing to make us less likely to accomplish it.

Real self care for busy moms looks like this:

Twenty minutes is enough. It sounds small, but intentional twenty-minute windows changed everything for me. Twenty minutes of something that is only for you. It does not need to be productive, for the kids, or for the house.

A silent walk so you can actually hear your own thoughts. Sitting outside with a hot coffee before anyone wakes up. Reading a book that has nothing to do with parenting. Chatting with a friend about life. It all counts and will make a huge difference in your days.

I am NOT a 5am person. I will never be a 5am person. My kids are early birds, so trust me you will never catch me waking up hours before them.

However, I have learned that having even fifteen minutes before the chaos starts, before my boys wake me up and immediately needs something, changes the tone of my entire day.

A quiet cup of coffee downstairs. A few minutes of scrolling something that makes me laugh. Or even just getting myself ready without interruption. That’s it. That is the whole routine.

3. Stop Waiting Until the Kids Are in Bed

By the time the kids go to sleep, most moms have nothing left. Raise your hand if you’re been there (because hey girl, me too!). If you are saving all your self care for 9pm, you are going to end up doom-scrolling on the couch until midnight and waking up more tired than before.

Start finding micro-moments throughout the day instead. Five minutes in the car before you go inside. Ten minutes during quiet time. A solo trip to Target that you turn into a twenty-minute decompression walk while the kids are at school. These moments add up my friend.

This one is hard. I know. But the laundry will still be there tomorrow. The toys on the floor are not a reflection of your worth as a mother. Some days, choosing to sit down instead of cleaning up is the most radical act of self care you can perform.

Give yourself permission to let some things go. Not forever, maybe just for today or just for a few hours.

Solo parenting is isolating. There are days when my husband is on shift and I have not had a real adult conversation since he left, and Lady Bird is great but she is not exactly a great talker if you know what I mean.

Finding community, even online, matters. When someone comments on one of my posts saying ‘how did you know,’ that is connection. That fills a part of my bucket that nothing else can. You need people who get it.

I have made some amazing mom friends online, friendships I’ll cherish forever. I’ve also made some wonderful mom friends simply through connecting via the kid’s school. Find those friends. Hold them tight.

If your partner works long or weird shifts, whether that is fire, law enforcement, medical, military, or any other job that pulls them away for long stretches, your self care needs look different from a two-parent household where both parents come home every night.

Here is what has helped me specifically:

• Plan something small to look forward to on each shift day. It does not have to be big, it could be a special coffee, a show you only watch when your partner is gone, a recipe you’ve been wanting to try. Something that makes shift days feel like yours, not just something to survive.

• Give yourself permission to grieve the hard days without guilt. It is okay to miss your partner and also be annoyed that they are not there. Both things are true at the same time.

• Build a ‘shift day survival kit’. What are things that make the solo stretch easier? Mine includes easy dinners I actually like, a show I am binge watching, and approximately one thousand Lady Bird cuddles. Oh and I use shift days to touch up my gel mani at home – normally I’d get my nails done, but it’s expensive and I’ve saved so much since switching to the DIY method thanks to Olive & June!

• Ask for help before you need it. Whether that is a neighbor, a family member, or a mom friend, having someone on standby is self care. Accepting help is self care.

Pin

The Permission Slip You Did Not Know You Needed

Here is what I want you to take away from this post: you are allowed to need things. You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to want time that is just yours, without justifying it or earning it or scheduling it around everyone else’s needs first.

You do not need to have it all together to deserve rest. You do not need to be running on empty to justify taking a break. You can fill your bucket before it is completely dry and that is the goal.

Start small. Twenty minutes. A hot coffee. One thing today that is just for you. That is where it begins.

If this post resonated with you, save it for the next shift day when you need a reminder that you are not alone and that filling your own cup is not optional, it is necessary.

And if you want more honest, unfiltered content about real mom life, firefighter wife struggles, and the daily chaos of raising two boys with a 160lb dog, come find me on Instagram at @thatmomkarissa. I am always there, usually with a coffee, always keeping it real.